Resilience and Self Esteem

Today I was looking at an article online on 5 ways to show authority -- without yelling  Interesting stuff. It came on the heels of a video someone posted on Facebook declaring "Feminism of the world has emasculated men!", along with graphics that were supposed to show how this is happening, but really was just a very clumsy attempt to manipulate men who had some bad experiences with women that they could exploit for their own end.

This got me to thinking about the factors that make for a resilient attitude, and a true sense of self, that does not rely on making others feel weak, just to make us feel strong.

It's quite hard to visually demonstrate the concept of strength. Most often we see picture of really buff guys who work out and have huge muscles. In reality these men are often not strong as they appear. They can do weights but that's not quite the same as the lumberjack of old who took to the woods with a cross-cut saw and could work all day at his task.

Authority, strength... any quality that we might hold in high esteem comes from within and is often a reflection of our beliefs, many of them imprinted while we were children growing up. As it happens our weaknesses are also a reflection of these beliefs too. What we believe about ourselves, what we believe about others and what we  believe is a reasonable way to 'be' in the world. all affects our perceptions and lead our actions (or sometimes inaction).

For many men and women too, feeling strong is not something they think applies to them. Of course there will always be someone stronger, but improving physical strength is possible for anyone who is able-bodied, and even for many who are not. Improving strength and stamina are important elements in our overall wellbeing and affect the way we feel about ourselves and strengthening physically, in turn can improve a feeling of confidence and an appreciation of increased competency in some areas. This all adds to our concept of what we can do. The sum total of these elements adds to our concept of self and builds our own self esteem.

Personal Power
Power is often associated with the ability of someone else to 'do' something to us. They have authority of some kind that we don't have but this is often a perception that doesn't really exist, outside of us making it so. When we understand our boundaries around what we will tolerate, what we will accept and what we will not tolerate, then we get a much more well-defined notion of our own strength and personal power. We begin to 'feel the edges' and as we do, so our resolve strengthens. We can change how we respond to intimidation. We can reflect more usefully on when we may be stepping on the boundaries of others, and gain some new respect for them too.

When we are clear on owning our own power, we can also use that power to be strong when things don't go the way that we might have hoped. In that situation we can rely on the truth that all states - how we feel in a moment - are temporary. The deepest sadness, despair, even elation, have an end. New things happen, circumstances alter and we experience new states.

Sometimes people give away their personal power because they 'have to'. Those who seek to take power from us are bullies and worse. But no matter how intimidating they present, ultimately we hold our own power and it is a decision that we face, if we allow others to take it from us. We are stronger than sometimes we allow ourselves to be.

Preparing Yourself To Build Resilience
Our body needs to train for our muscles to become stronger and to build stamina.  Good food fuels the body and is a joy that junk food and "creamy cheesy" can never bring us. As we stop trying to fill the Void with wishes that things were better and sugar fixes, we may even discover a part of ourselves that we have never met before. Our perceptions change, the world looks better and so too our psychological well-being.

Healthy thinking, improved attention, memory, recall and problem-solving strategies can be learned.

Developing our emotional skills and managing our state help us to be more well-balanced and flexible in our disposition.

Compassion, how willing we are to accept difference and allow forgiveness underpins a healthy happy life and empowers us to let go of those bad feelings that tie us to old problems and prevent us growing in confidence. It opens the door to live with true meaning and purpose and a spirit that nurtures not just others ... but our own Self too.

 Check out my Resilience board on Pinterest

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Time For Some Self Care

Activities are starting to wind up for That Time Of Year. The end of the year sets the signal for shopping, and  thoughts of holidays and presents and eating too much, sitting too much, and indulging in activities that may take the rest of the next year from which to recover.  Too much money spent on stuff that has little value, too much food and drink. Too much added to the credit card.

Of course not everyone has the same need to do the social thing. Many are alone at this time of year and that family that was so big just a few years ago can be shrinking in ways that you never imagined might happen. Parents die, family members move - or we do. Relationships finish. Children leave home and move away. And suddenly that large circle of relatives and people you don't see any other time of the year, has contracted and become quite small, or evaporated completely.

So what do you do when you're not surrounded by hordes of family and friends during these times? Consider how you might use this time to reflect on the year that's gone and review how that's been for you.

Where have you been successful at what you set out to achieve?
Where did your results not get where you wanted them to be?
Map out where a change in methods might have made the difference.

Self Care - Nurturing. 

We often think in terms of how to help others. How to do something nice for others. Now is the time to think about doing something nice for you.

Go easy on the alcohol. An alcohol induced fog doesn't improve anything. Make the holidays a time of conscious relaxation. Spend the time practicing mindfulness.

Review your appearance.  

Try a new 'look'!  Is it time for a change from that haircut that you've had for so long? What do you need to improve your appearance and feel more confident? Is it time to lift your game when it comes to personal grooming?  This can be a time to attend to those personal appearance issues that you have been too busy to get to through the year. Book in for a good cut, or a wax and polish. Get rid of those stray hairs that have sprouted in places no hair should grow. Have a day at the spa or book in for a massage and some pampering that you've never done before.

Book an appointment with a stylist and have your colours done so that you are buying the shades that work best for you. Learn how to dress to be noticed for your classic look that makes the most of your style. This can increase your feeling of confidence and be good for your career too! And definitely will help with dating.

Clean out your closet and pitch out those clothes you are keeping for 'just one more wear'. Ditch everything that doesn't fit, whether it is too small or too big, if it doesn't fit you now, get rid of it. Donate it if it is in good repair, or just toss it out. Those things that have been hanging in your wardrobe since 1990 - it's time to go.  Old shoes that you never wear because they pinch your feet, those belts that are in shocking colours or don't fit any more get rid of those too. Old handbags or briefcases that have seen better days, out.

Look classy! Now you have made some room, think about some basic classic pieces that will improve your wardrobe and  help you look your best. Pick pieces that will stay in fashion long after the latest fad is over.  Replace old underwear, odd socks and stock up on new socks or hosiery so you're not running out at the wrong time.  Take any shoes that need mending or polishing and have them put in order.

Me-Time

Review your goals. What do you want to happen in the year ahead? Start writing them down and exploring some wishes that you've had but never committed to achieving. You can find more here to help with beliefs and goals.

Watch some movies you've missed. This is your time to pamper yourself so settle back and catch up on some movies you wanted to see but didn't get around to, or revisit some old favourites.

Read something you love. If you have that pile of books in your home that you've been meaning to read sometime, now is your chance. Find something to suit your mood and just waste as much time as you like doing nothing more than reading or playing at a hobby you've let go.

Make some phone calls. Yes the telephone still works for talking and this is a good time for you to make some calls and reconnect with people you have not spoken to for a long time. Let them know you are still alive and are interested in their life.

Learn to cook. Too many people fall into relationships because they don't know how to look after themselves.  This is especially true for men. That's a terrible reason to be in a relationship so make it your business to start cooking for yourself. If the thought of that scares you because you don't know how, then make a list of the things you would like to eat and then you can track down the way to do it. There are many great tutorial videos and websites now to learn just about anything you could imagine, so there is no excuse for being limited in this way.  Good eating is at the heart of your good health and self-nurturing means looking after your body.

Start a physical exercise program. This might be just to start walking, or riding your bicycle or going to the gym. Pick something that you can do easily and without a bunch of equipment to buy or other obstacles that can become excuses for not doing it, and pick an activity that you will be able to continue for the whole year. Make that a priority and dedicate some time each day for this activity, even if it is just 20 minutes a day.

Go for a hike. Take the camera and do a photo-walk of where you go. Be that a hiking trail, or a trip to a city that you see every day but have never looked at with a tourist's eye. Discover new sights in old places. Or visit a new place and photograph the images that makes it unique.

Here's The Sneaky Bit

You don't even have to wait until the holiday season. You can do this any time. Pick a weekend. Pick  two weekends a year  to mark on your calendar and make it your special time for you.


Related Life Coaching Articles 

How to set goals you can reach

What will you achieve in the next four years?

How To Set Goals - And Reach Them

The Dirty Secrets Business Needs To Know About Social Media

Why You Need To Build Your Mailing List And How To Do It

How To Get Your Local Business Found Online

Are you lousy at self promotion too? 



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Another Four Years To Achieve A New Set Of Goals

So in 2012 we had another election result in the USA election. During the lead up to the voting there had been all kinds of postings on the internet from both sides of the  political divide complaining that the President had "disappointed me", "not done enough", "not done anything!", and more of that nature but less polite. 

With the election concluded we know that there is another period of four years to follow this last period of four years. So I thought to myself - is it true? Has the President not done much in the past four years? What has he done?  This is what I found in 2012. According to Washington Monthly, here are a few:

• Passed Health Care Reform
• Pushed Broadband Coverage
• Expanded Health Coverage for Children 
• Passed Wall Street Reform
• Repealed “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”
• Reversed Bush Torture Policies
• Kicked Banks Out of Federal Student Loan Program, 
• Expanded Pell Grant Spending
•  Increased Support for Veterans
•  Passed Credit Card Reforms: 
• Gave the FDA Power to Regulate Tobacco
• Brokered Agreement for Speedy Compensation to Victims of Gulf Oil Spill
• Created Recovery.gov
• Recognized the Dangers of Carbon Dioxide 
• Expanded Stem Cell Research

You can find the complete list here 

To me, that looks like a fair bit to have accomplished. In any circumstances. And yet I am more interested in your results.

So What Does The Average Person Accomplish In Four Years?

And it got me to wondering. It's easy to be critical of others in the public eye. Just point and complain, and some do that without even checking out what has been done.  Certainly, I have not achieved anything of such importance in the same 4 year period.  I had not brought in a big public policy, or implemented some social justice program. Nothing like it. 

I wonder for those who are reporting being disappointed, what their own report card on the past four years would read like. 

We are quick to make judgments about others without relating that back to our own performance. What would be 'enough' for the President to achieve in a term. What measure are we holding ourselves to when we look at life in 4 year intervals?

Four years is a good chunk of time. It is enough time to do a great many things. Have you accomplished all that you set out to achieve during the past 4 years?  Did you start with some goals to achieve, because many didn't even get that far. 

What Will Achievement Of Your Goals Mean To You?

Are you happy with what you achieved during this last 4 years?  What stands out for you during this time?

What about the next four years... will you set out to achieve something specific that you'll commit to do in the next four years?

"If you don't design your own life plan, chances are you'll fall into someone else's plan. 

And guess what they have planned for you? Not much." - Jim Rohn

While the President started a new period during which he will be closely watched and his achievements monitored and reported, and any failings reported even more widely,  perhaps it is a good time for us to set out some performance standards that we want to meet in the next four years too.

Setting Goals 

I like to look at goals with clients for the next 12 months and for a 5 year span. A 4 year span would do well too and if we segment these four year intervals to coincide with elections, that could be a good way to piggy-back our own goals so that we can do our own audit of progress while we compare that with that our governments have achieved over the same period. That makes some kind of sense as it is a built-in measure of time.

Politicians come and go. What's critically important to us all - is what we do about the things over which we have control. That's our life. We are the President of that. Make it a job we can be proud of having done well.

Action

Review the past 4 years and honestly report on your performance.
Take some time out and commit to some goals that you will reach in the next 4 years. 

What will you be able to say, in four years time, that you achieved in this term? 

Edited: This post updated in November 2013

Related posts
How to set goals you can reach
More on Goals 


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Passion Alone Is Not Enough

"Follow your passion"  "Make your passion your business"

Is common to see this suggested as a good thing to do.
But is it really good advice?

Some people like baking muffins so they think opening a restaurant might be a good move.
In reality, it could just be a good way to start to not like making muffins.

A better indicator for opening a restaurant might be if you can say –

• I love serving people and
• I’m good at finding ways to produce good quality food customers love
• and that makes me good profit.
• And - I am passionate about following budgets and know how to plan meals without waste.
• And - I like working long hours, 7 days a week and
• I don’t mind not making a lot of money.

If  you want your passion for muffins to be your business then you might test that out by working out...

• How many muffins you need to make to cover the rent and the expenses and your wages and start making profit. And you know  
• How  you can sell that number of muffins to make enough money to pay those expenses and make you lots of profit.  
• And that you are content to make muffins, market muffins, sell muffins and live and breathe muffins and little else.

Even the things we like to do, can get old when we have to do them every day all day.

Sometimes if you like making muffins, it is a good idea to just make muffins when you feel like it.

Jim Collins, in his business book Good to Great suggests what he called his:

Hedgehog Principle

The question that we need to ask when we are considering turning our passion into a business, are our Hedgehog questions. There are three.

What are you passionate about?
What can you be the best at?
What can actually make you a living?

And the answer must meet all three criteria.

This exercise can also be used by young people trying to sort their way in life, their personal hedgehog, as much as a business trying to figure out what purpose they serve.

So if the answer to all  3 questions is Yes – following your Passion might be  a good idea.

If:

1. ·        You’re passionate about it
2. ·        You can be the best in the world at it
3. ·        You can make money doing it.  – And you know how.

Remember - And the answer must meet all three criteria. When you refine your thinking in this way – that clarity helps you to focus.

But be clear that this is the beginning  and in business your time will be spent on many things that  need to be done that don’t involve that element about which you are passionate. 

It’s said that:

“Successful people do those things that unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.”

Some people are unwilling to be uncomfortable. Learn to be uncomfortable and see it as a sign of potential personal growth.  That's a marker as a Good Thing.

A lot of things that the business needs doing, is stuff that we really won’t want to do. But must.


But what if I have a business that is not my passion?

Here’s what nobody tells you.

You can become passionate about anything.  

Your attitude will dictate how well that passion lasts.

Passion is the start point. Alone it won’t do anything.
Passion needs to be supported with good habits that get you the results that you need.

If you have a business that is not your passion you may still have good habits that let you make it successful.

Now … time to get passionate about it.

And it is not just the thing the business does – get passionate about how well you do what you do and how well you serve your customers and how valuable your business is – or will be – to the clients you serve.  Notice that you can do the same thing to enhance passion in all your relationships. 

If you are not already valuable to them – then that’s a sign that there are improvements to be made to bring your value up higher for them – and make your business one that you can truly be proud to own and to represent and to promote.

More important perhaps is to consider how well your habits are helping you to achieve the outcomes you want.

It's not discipline you need. 

We sometimes think we have a discipline problem. When in truth we have no problem with discipline. We can do habits that are not supporting our interests, easily and on cue every time! We just have the wrong habits for the results we want.  When you swap those for habits that go with the results you want – then you really have something.


Check your passion levels.

Are you feeling passionate about what you do?

If not –

• What element of what you do can you ramp up feeling good about? 
• Where can you push yourself to be the best at what you do now?
• How much more of yourself can you bring to whatever it is that you do?

When we bring more attention to what we do – we change the way that we feel about it. We can focus on feeling proud of getting even better at what we do, and we can learn to love the strangest things, just because we can do it well and it has value for someone.  That’s a good start on passion.

If you are not passionate about what you are doing – you have two choices. You can do something you are passionate about – but that might not work.

Or you can get passionate about what it is that you are doing successfully now. 


And you can make those muffins in your time off... any time it pleases you.


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Your Career & Role Models

Young managers have a job that is sometimes not clear to them. That job is to drive their career and do whatever they need to do in order to progress. In a way that expresses their values and allows them to be congruent with those core values.

This is a personal challenge that we all face and seldom recognise as an obligation to our own future and should not be seen as the duty of others to further our career.

So how does a young manager (or anyone for that matter), learn about what they need to know to manage their career?

There are many issues that will relate to this but the one that I want to focus on right now is that of role models.

For a manager in a larger business, there may be supervisors and managers or directors above them to whom they report. Or there may be older people they manage that are particularly good at some aspect of what they do either at work or in the community.  Seek out people who display excellence in some manner or are in a role that you would like to have some day.

So how might you start? 

If you have several managers or directors of a business then you will have noticed that some have a special knack for some element of the business. It may not be apparent what that is, but the chances are that they have some ability that has put them where you might like to be in the future.  You may not know what that is until you have spent some quality time with them getting to know them and how they operate. What do they do and how did they come to that method of doing what they do?
What works well for them, or conversely, what's not working so well for them? Positive lessons and lessons of what doesn't work are all valuable and sometimes the context is all that makes the difference.

Make a list of directors or other business owners you admire
Arrange to meet them one on one for lunch and get to know them a little and see if they are open to help you get to understand them and how they have achieved their success.
Make notes of all that you learn and don't censor yourself about what's important. Patterns may only develop later as you look back so make a note of everything.
Record the sessions if you can. If not make notes immediately after the session.
.
Some things to look for when analyzing your sessions:

What beliefs does this person hold about life and business?
What values do they display in their dealings?
In what esteem are they held by others?
What led them to hold their beliefs?
 What advice do they have for someone starting out?
What would they do differently if they were starting now?
What would they do the same if they were starting now?

 Your Life Plan

As you collate your notes give thought to what you have learned as you set about planning your goals for your career and your life generally.

This is a valuable resource for you.
Make the most of it.

And let this inform your own values and describe your best path forward in your life.


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It Comes Down To Communication

Effective communication takes effort both when speaking and listening

 "But behavior in the human being is sometimes a defense, a way of concealing motives and thoughts, as language can be a way of hiding your thoughts and preventing communication. '

    ~ Abraham Maslow

 "It all comes back to communication, doesn't it."

This was the statement from a client recently, a young very savvy professional, manager of a local outpost of a business that's into a highly technical, engineering related field.

Marketing. Managing employees. Managing customers. Understanding which metrics in the system really matter. They all relate back in some way to communication. They can all be impacted - for good or bad - by communication.

It's quite surprising how often the things that are not working in a business, are suffering because of a breakdown in how we communicate. Communicated poorly by others, but sometimes how we communicate with ourselves.

 Know what you really want to know
We can spend enormous amounts of time collecting data on things that may or may not matter, before we have even asked ourselves the questions that really pinpoint and then articulate our true and deepest ambition we want to achieve. Instead we build sentences that sound impressive but don't really communicate the essential nub of what we want to know.

Take the case of a marketing plan. Many times I've heard people say they have a business plan or a marketing plan and it is this: "Create a high quality product and provide good service."  As fine as an ambition this may be, it is not a marketing plan. It is not a vision. It is certainly no business plan. It may be a value, and a commendable philosophy to work to, but it is not specific, has no action and no standard by which it can be measured.

It is a tag line at best and for some it might be called their mission statement. Is it useful? Probably not.

When identifying issues that are to be resolved, it is worth ensuring that there is an action that can be taken to fit with the instruction. Be specific and ensure that when this matter is resolved there is something to show that this is so. Something is now happening that didn't before the instruction, or something has ceased to happen since the instruction was given.

Say there was a problem with start times and employees being on time for work. A new instruction would clearly let everyone know the problem that is the issue, what action they would take to fix it, and management (and everyone else) can see when it has been successfully adopted.

The measurable clear change would be:

• Employees are arriving on time for work, or
• Employees have stopped arriving late for work.

Some areas to watch
Setting deadlines that are non specific.

"Two weeks" is not the same as a date.

If you want something done in two weeks, then go the little bit further and specify what date that will be.
EG. 3 May 2012

And further, specify what action if any, needs to be taken after that thing is completed, to advise others who have a vested interest.


Which actually describes a small process and one that can become a Good Habit. Good processes in a business mean everyone can do them, they are replicable and they save time and confusion. And they can improve productivity and consistency.

Small changes big improvement
Just this one tiny action spread across a workplace can have big impact. Suddenly things that have been dragging on for months and not being attended to are done, ticked off the work sheet and that's cleared one small bit of space and burden from the shoulders of however was to do that thing, and whoever was waiting for that thing to to be done. In some cases this will also enable a third person to act on their part of what comes next so it can be like a chain reaction sometimes. All good.

Specific language, to deliver a well-constructed instruction is a part of good communication. We can do this when we frame questions, too. So often we can fall into the habit of giving a vague instruction. The person who then has to carry out that duty, is not sure exactly what is required, how to do it or what priority it has.  This can be very stressful to that person, and frustrating for the person who issued the instruction, when it doesn't happen, or is done to a standard that was less than expected.


If you are giving instructions, ensure that you are clear in what you want to happen. If you are asking for information be clear what it is you want to know.

If you are receiving instructions and are not sure exactly what is expected of you or about some issue relation to that instruction, seek clarification. Ask. Don't just do what you assume is expected unless you are sure that is what was meant.

Can you identify an area where communications could be improved in your business or at home?

 Related:
Purpose before action
Customers wonder: "Why don't you know me?"
Are you right or wrong about what you think and how do you tell?
Love your customers and engage - try it with your staff too



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On Character

Character

"If the past has taught us anything is is that every cause brings its effect, every action has a consequence.

The Chinese have a saying, "If a man plants melon seeds, he will reap melons. If he sows the seed from beans' he will reap beans." And this is true of everyone's life - good begets good, and evil leads to evil.

True enough, the sun shines on the saint and the sinner alike, and too often it seems that the wicked prosper. But we can say with certainty that with the individual as with the nation, the flourishing of the wicked is an illusion.

For unceasingly, life keeps books on us all.

In the end, we are all the sum total of our actions.

Character cannot be forfeited nor can it be put on and cast off as if if were a garment to meet the whim of the moment. Like the markings on wood, which are ingrained in the very heart of the tree, character requires time and nurturing for growth and development.

Thus also, day by day, we write our own destiny, for inexorably, like the rings on a tree, we become what we do".

Character is an interesting concept and one that gets very little attention in these times.


What does character mean to you?

The Ch'an Training
From the Hsu Yun Ho Shang Fa Hui
Tr. Lu K'uan Yu (Charles Luk)

Related articles 

What I Chose, Is What I Am
What's Most Important In Your Selection Criteria?
Heartache and Heroism In Small Business

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Business Coach
Mobile: 0403 365855
lindyasimus@gmail.com
www.lindyasimus.com
www.designbusinessengineering.com

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Actionbites Blog Are You Wrong Or Right? How Do You Tell?

Are You Wrong Or Right? How Do You Tell?

 Kathryn Schulz' TED talk looks into the idea of differentiating between abstractly understanding that humans are fallible ... and in the moment where we live, assuming that we are always right.

 

Kathryn Schulz: On being wrong

There is definitely wide appeal to being "right" - even when we are not. Sometimes it can seem as though we would rather cling to the idea that we are right, instead of learning and being able to update our knowledge to the facts.

Then of course some things are not right or wrong. They are subjective and where this is the case, we need to remember to respect the perspective of others. Unfortunately there seems to be a trend toward treating objective issues (evidence is available) as though what we want to believe is so and that the objective issue is a subjective one. You'll have seen this in action with the current 'debate' on climate change. Here's more on that in this recent article:The Science of Why We Don't Believe Science

Rushing To Judgment

All this need to feel right could be said to be a factor of our skill at taking scraps of information and filling in the missing pieces with bits that we make up so that we can derive a meaning for what we see. While that is useful in some contexts, it can lead us to effectively hallucinate elements that just are not there. If our need for meaning is greater than our interest in veracity then we can rush to judgment without having sufficient data on which to make an elegant opinion based on all the relevant aspects.

Our language can work against us in this regard, since the way we communicate - the way we organise our thoughts, can lead us into leaving out important elements. We delete bits of information (or fail to notice them), think in shorthand ways that take up only the things we notice, not the things we see but don't notice, and discount things that don't fit with what we already hold as an opinion.  Opinions too, are often a collection of personal biases and wish-this-was-so positions, with no evidence to support their validity. When we add this together we have a perfect brew to create situations of emotional turmoil and misunderstanding.  Perhaps the best start to getting more useful skills in this area is to learn to change perceptual position. That is to not only see the situation from our own point of view, but to also imagine what must be so to make true the opposite view. To do this though, we need to be able to suspend judgment long enough to really observe cleanly without adding our own baggage.

Imagine yourself in a place without judgment. Observing. Noticing. Not creating meaning, just seeing without judgment for now.  Let's call this Nerk-Nerk. A place of Not-Knowing.


Nerk-Nerk

Todd Epstein in Pragmatics, dreamed up Nerk-Nerk as the name of a fictitious space alien who has the exact same nervous system and physical characteristics of human beings, but none of the perceptual, linguistic or cultural assumptions. Nerk-Nerk has studied and is familiar with all forms of human language, but is incapable of making the deletions, generalizations and distortions that most human beings do habitually while communicating verbally with one another. Nerk-Nerk is only able to understand and respond to fully specified sensory based descriptions and instructions. http://www.nlpu.com/Articles/artic25.htm

Not-Knowing can be uncomfortable. It is sometimes said that men have a tendency to want to provide answers to women when they are just venting. This can irritate women, and confuse men. Surely if someone is talking about an issue that is distressing them in some way, then they must want a solution. This is not necessarily the case. It should be noted that this happens the other way around too and men don't necessarily want a solution, or need one from the person to whom they are venting. Keep that in mind. Not knowing doesn't have to be a permanent state. Ultimately we are able to navigate effectively through life by making judgments. We need to be able to do this to function fully. Making judgments in itself is perhaps not the problem. It is when we get attached to the judgment - rather than to understanding what is really the case, that we create the bother.

It feels good to be right. It feels much better, and is much more useful to be informed and right. For now. Given what we know so far. 

Context really is Everything.


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Forgiveness. Letting Go.

Forgiveness is an interesting topic.




A year or two back we had a thread on a Facebook group about this
that cemented my relationship with one of the members who had
been Pro-Forgiveness. A remarkable young man he posted about
his abusive relationship with his father and how he had been he felt,
forced to deal with forgiving his father for his own peace of mind, and
to make good his life and focus on positive things that were within
his control to do. He wrote of how he had looked at himself in the
mirror one day and said "Enough!". And he forgave. For himself, he
forgave those who had caused him pain. Which is not to say that he
condoned what they did... but he forgave them anyway.

This young man passed away just a few months after he posted this
story.

The notion of Forgiving can be very emotive for many of us,
simply because it does not happen in isolation. Our regard for others
with whom forgiveness may be an issue can be complex. It can
harbour identity issues about

who they are
who we are
what it would mean if we forgave them
what it would mean if we stopped feeling bad
what it would mean if we 'let them get away with it'
what it would mean if we forgot our grievance
what it would mean if we did not have that experience
what life would be like now if we started over without that pain

Essentially, forgiveness is the often just the first step.
After forgiveness, what then?

What will we do differently?
How will we view life now?
What actions will we take now?

One of the presuppositions of NLP, is this.
"People are doing the best they can with the resources available"

What this speaks to, is that we have resources that we need to do
whatever it is that we need to do. Sometimes we have trouble
believing that, because we are overwhelmed or just plain don't know how
to access those inner resources.

Sometimes we have to forgive ourselves first, in order to gain the
use of our own resources, that we need to consider forgiving others.


An interesting topic for sure.






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Creating an Achievable Outcome

For anyone with even a passing interest in personal development, it's true that we're constantly bombarded with messages telling us to set goals, and plan and create some direction in life, yet very little in the way of how to do so. And more to the point - how do create goals and results that can be brought to life - and are helpful! Indeed, many goals that people set, are in direct conflict with other goals that they would want to have come true in life.

The following questions assist in specifying an outcome is well-formed, and ecological (positive in all ways that impact your life).

Consider the goals that you want to set for yourself and achieve, both in the short and medium as well as long term.

• What specifically do you want? (stated in positive terms.)
• Where are you now?
• What will you see, hear, fee, etc., when you have it?
• How will you know when you have it?
• What will this outcome get for you or allow you to do?
• Is it only for you?
• Where, when, how, and with whom do you want it?
• What do you have now, and what do you need to get your outcome?
• For what purpose do you want it?
• What will you gain or lose if you have it?
• What will happen if you get it?
• What won't happen if you get it?
• What will happen if you don't get it?
• What won't happen if you don't get it?
  
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