Resilience and Self Esteem

Today I was looking at an article online on 5 ways to show authority -- without yelling  Interesting stuff. It came on the heels of a video someone posted on Facebook declaring "Feminism of the world has emasculated men!", along with graphics that were supposed to show how this is happening, but really was just a very clumsy attempt to manipulate men who had some bad experiences with women that they could exploit for their own end.

This got me to thinking about the factors that make for a resilient attitude, and a true sense of self, that does not rely on making others feel weak, just to make us feel strong.

It's quite hard to visually demonstrate the concept of strength. Most often we see picture of really buff guys who work out and have huge muscles. In reality these men are often not strong as they appear. They can do weights but that's not quite the same as the lumberjack of old who took to the woods with a cross-cut saw and could work all day at his task.

Authority, strength... any quality that we might hold in high esteem comes from within and is often a reflection of our beliefs, many of them imprinted while we were children growing up. As it happens our weaknesses are also a reflection of these beliefs too. What we believe about ourselves, what we believe about others and what we  believe is a reasonable way to 'be' in the world. all affects our perceptions and lead our actions (or sometimes inaction).

For many men and women too, feeling strong is not something they think applies to them. Of course there will always be someone stronger, but improving physical strength is possible for anyone who is able-bodied, and even for many who are not. Improving strength and stamina are important elements in our overall wellbeing and affect the way we feel about ourselves and strengthening physically, in turn can improve a feeling of confidence and an appreciation of increased competency in some areas. This all adds to our concept of what we can do. The sum total of these elements adds to our concept of self and builds our own self esteem.

Personal Power
Power is often associated with the ability of someone else to 'do' something to us. They have authority of some kind that we don't have but this is often a perception that doesn't really exist, outside of us making it so. When we understand our boundaries around what we will tolerate, what we will accept and what we will not tolerate, then we get a much more well-defined notion of our own strength and personal power. We begin to 'feel the edges' and as we do, so our resolve strengthens. We can change how we respond to intimidation. We can reflect more usefully on when we may be stepping on the boundaries of others, and gain some new respect for them too.

When we are clear on owning our own power, we can also use that power to be strong when things don't go the way that we might have hoped. In that situation we can rely on the truth that all states - how we feel in a moment - are temporary. The deepest sadness, despair, even elation, have an end. New things happen, circumstances alter and we experience new states.

Sometimes people give away their personal power because they 'have to'. Those who seek to take power from us are bullies and worse. But no matter how intimidating they present, ultimately we hold our own power and it is a decision that we face, if we allow others to take it from us. We are stronger than sometimes we allow ourselves to be.

Preparing Yourself To Build Resilience
Our body needs to train for our muscles to become stronger and to build stamina.  Good food fuels the body and is a joy that junk food and "creamy cheesy" can never bring us. As we stop trying to fill the Void with wishes that things were better and sugar fixes, we may even discover a part of ourselves that we have never met before. Our perceptions change, the world looks better and so too our psychological well-being.

Healthy thinking, improved attention, memory, recall and problem-solving strategies can be learned.

Developing our emotional skills and managing our state help us to be more well-balanced and flexible in our disposition.

Compassion, how willing we are to accept difference and allow forgiveness underpins a healthy happy life and empowers us to let go of those bad feelings that tie us to old problems and prevent us growing in confidence. It opens the door to live with true meaning and purpose and a spirit that nurtures not just others ... but our own Self too.

 Check out my Resilience board on Pinterest

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Nobody Is Perfect

The recent Paralympic Games have reminded us very well just how much is possible even with what we call a disability.

Many people have experienced things that have left them in a less than perfect way, In some cases this is clearly visible and easy to see. We compare ourselves to them and if we have all our limbs we look at them as though they be missing something that we have.

Yet not all situations that leave us less than able can be seen.

Stroke, brain injury from accidents or other causes. Kidney or liver problems, cancer, mental health problems are just some things we can face that may not show and yet leave us unable to do all that some others can do.

Even with everything working, we are all different. 

Some are good at communicating. Some are not. Some are good at maths while others of us don't process well that way or never really got the knack.

While technology is improving the abilities of those of us who have been faced with loss of a limb and given back mobility in a way that was once impossible we still look for differences instead of how we are alike.

The recent interest in Steampunk is fascinating as it looks back to the steam era and imagines a future work born of mechanics and clockwork. The images that are created as a fashion statement don't seek to hide difference but rather to enhance and make a feature of it.

So we move into a new time where jobs are still stuck in many cases much like in Victorian times even though technology has long moved on. We are capable of doing much more with less and yet we have people with disabilities trying to fit into a system that pretends to need traditional working habits of full time employment, even as the workforce is casualized and benefits denied to those who are willing and able to work full time and in fact would prefer that. At the same time, those who would like a more flexible arrangement are seen as being 'inferior' in some way from an employment point of view.

Instead of looking for differences from the norm, perhaps it is time to review what we consider to be "normal". The definition that we are using seems to me to be out of date and less than useful in the current environment.

Disabled, or not disabled the same things apply to us all.

We need to feel useful. We need to have something that satisfies our need for purposeful living. We need to be able earn money and to fit a life around our working hours.

We need encouragement when things don't go to plan. When life doesn't work out the way we hoped. Or when other stuff just gets in the way of us operating at full capacity.

Looking Forward

Do you need some encouragement?
Do you know someone else who could use some?

You probably do, though you may not have heard it from them.

We all need something to hope for. Something to push ourselves a little bit harder to achieve. Not because someone else expects it but because we do.

And that takes a certain amount of confidence to believe that we do - even though we may be less than perfect - deserve that.

Everyone is entitled to make some plans. Big plans, or small plans, it doesn't matter. Just put it out there in your future and set some memories of things that have not happened yet, that you want to reach.

Celebrate your difference.



Related:
Adding choices to life


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Life Goals Cheat Sheet

"Setting goals is fun! It is about giving you exactly what you want in life"

Goals are a passion of mine. I love, love, love working with clients on setting goals and putting a structure in place for them to make improvements in life so they can get more in control of their life and importantly, their time and get rid of some stuff that is not doing them any good, to free up space for things that matter most to them but have been off the agenda for too long.

Now one of the strange things is that when you get right down to it, it can be hard to think of what you want!

When setting goals we need to look at all areas of life so we don't forget something important. For example, achieving financial goals is not much benefit if your health and relationships suffer as a result. So ecology needs to be kept in mind - across all the areas of our life.

So I thought it might make things easier if I wrote out some sample goals. Now you can adapt these to suit your situation but these goals should prompt you in the areas of your own life where you can more easily imagine a parallel goal that would work for you.

Also worth thinking about in setting your goals is the time frame. Like saving, it is good to have goals for the year, and goals for the longer term, say 5 years, which you may reach by attaining smaller goals as steps along the way.

Some goals - those for material things - need to be really specific. On the other hand, goals around relationships require actions. You can't "make a better relationship" but you can implement actions, which result in better relationships. Keep these two kinds of goals - material and abstract - in mind.

If you are in a relationship - remember your goals, and your partner's goals should be complementary. If your goal is to be single that could be a problem for your partner! And remember to set another list of joint or family goals that you can work towards together.

Goals should be well formed - this checklist does not meet that criterion but they can be easily adapted when you come to writing your goals down.

In no particular order...

Goals to achieve in the next 12 months

Health

Assess your current state of health. You want to use this as a benchmark for future comparison

Stop drinking cola and sodas. Switch to making your own unsweetened iced tea instead of fizzy drinks

Start cutting down current alcohol intake

Improve your diet by cutting out junk food to get to a better weight.

Walk or cycle for one hour 3 days a week (specify days and diarise)

Learn to cook 3 great recipes for meatless main meals to serve regularly

Stop doing - (that activity that is hurting your body or peace of mind)


Financial Health

Write up a budget with all  current spending.
Review and adjust your budget to improve your cash position

Build up savings of $2000 in emergency savings account and maintain this at all times

Open a savings account for long term goals or bigger items and deposit $100 per pay

Reduce credit card debt to zero

Increase payments to mortgage by $100 per month above required payment

Learn about how money works in the economy, how interest rates work and compound interest


Relationships 

Set aside one night a week for a romantic dinner and a movie

Make arrangements for the kids for these nights

Schedule in your diary 2 long weekends during the year for you and your partner to go away alone.

Make one hour every week to spend time with just one child to play or do an activity together as an outing

Phone parents every Sunday night for half an hour minimum

Make a visit to your parents twice a year for no special reason

Make time to spend with brothers and sisters each 2x per year outside of family get-togethers

Contact your good friend that you have not seen for a long time and reconnect and maintain


Career

Develop the skills you need to be promoted to the next level

Work towards a pay rise

Find a better job

Ensure that you apply yourself to your work every day - seek assistance if you are having problems with your work.

Seek training in areas that will improve your job opportunities

Find a mentor in your industry to help you develop your career


Start the part time business that you have been talking about for years. If it is complex, begin by making a plan of what is required and setting aside the resources that you will need and a deadline to begin.


Self education/ personal growth

Enrol for that course you wanted to do

Learn piano or guitar

Teach a class

Learn Italian

Start a kitchen garden and grow your own herbs and a few vegetables

Learn to cook

Learn about fashion style tips for your best look

Do a values inventory to understand your core values, motivators and beliefs

Get a coach - one on one coaching can be a real catalyst for personal development


Recreation and Indulgence

Take up a hobby or learn to do an activity - dance class, sailing, karate, swimming, ice skating, birdwatching, yoga, tai chi

Make a list of 5 books to read this year and read them

Schedule 2 long weekends away for the family

Plan and book a holiday during the year for the family

Set aside an hour per week just for you to spend doing nothing.


Contribution

Volunteer

Join a community group

Adopt a rescue dog

Choose a charity to support


Spirituality

Learn to meditate

Set aside 30 minutes twice  week to meditate

Keep a log of your meditations

Learn about Hinduism and Buddhism and other western religions

Read works from these religions


As you can see, even just choosing one goal from each of these areas would combine to have a dramatic effect on your life in the year to come.

Importantly, setting goals should be fun! After all, it is about giving you exactly what you want in life, instead of just getting what you get.

Related articles on Goals

Goal Checker - A Tool To Use

Beliefs and Goals

How To Set Goals You Can Reach

Focus Before Goals 

Steps To Creating An Achievable Outcome

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Time For Some Self Care

Activities are starting to wind up for That Time Of Year. The end of the year sets the signal for shopping, and  thoughts of holidays and presents and eating too much, sitting too much, and indulging in activities that may take the rest of the next year from which to recover.  Too much money spent on stuff that has little value, too much food and drink. Too much added to the credit card.

Of course not everyone has the same need to do the social thing. Many are alone at this time of year and that family that was so big just a few years ago can be shrinking in ways that you never imagined might happen. Parents die, family members move - or we do. Relationships finish. Children leave home and move away. And suddenly that large circle of relatives and people you don't see any other time of the year, has contracted and become quite small, or evaporated completely.

So what do you do when you're not surrounded by hordes of family and friends during these times? Consider how you might use this time to reflect on the year that's gone and review how that's been for you.

Where have you been successful at what you set out to achieve?
Where did your results not get where you wanted them to be?
Map out where a change in methods might have made the difference.

Self Care - Nurturing. 

We often think in terms of how to help others. How to do something nice for others. Now is the time to think about doing something nice for you.

Go easy on the alcohol. An alcohol induced fog doesn't improve anything. Make the holidays a time of conscious relaxation. Spend the time practicing mindfulness.

Review your appearance.  

Try a new 'look'!  Is it time for a change from that haircut that you've had for so long? What do you need to improve your appearance and feel more confident? Is it time to lift your game when it comes to personal grooming?  This can be a time to attend to those personal appearance issues that you have been too busy to get to through the year. Book in for a good cut, or a wax and polish. Get rid of those stray hairs that have sprouted in places no hair should grow. Have a day at the spa or book in for a massage and some pampering that you've never done before.

Book an appointment with a stylist and have your colours done so that you are buying the shades that work best for you. Learn how to dress to be noticed for your classic look that makes the most of your style. This can increase your feeling of confidence and be good for your career too! And definitely will help with dating.

Clean out your closet and pitch out those clothes you are keeping for 'just one more wear'. Ditch everything that doesn't fit, whether it is too small or too big, if it doesn't fit you now, get rid of it. Donate it if it is in good repair, or just toss it out. Those things that have been hanging in your wardrobe since 1990 - it's time to go.  Old shoes that you never wear because they pinch your feet, those belts that are in shocking colours or don't fit any more get rid of those too. Old handbags or briefcases that have seen better days, out.

Look classy! Now you have made some room, think about some basic classic pieces that will improve your wardrobe and  help you look your best. Pick pieces that will stay in fashion long after the latest fad is over.  Replace old underwear, odd socks and stock up on new socks or hosiery so you're not running out at the wrong time.  Take any shoes that need mending or polishing and have them put in order.

Me-Time

Review your goals. What do you want to happen in the year ahead? Start writing them down and exploring some wishes that you've had but never committed to achieving. You can find more here to help with beliefs and goals.

Watch some movies you've missed. This is your time to pamper yourself so settle back and catch up on some movies you wanted to see but didn't get around to, or revisit some old favourites.

Read something you love. If you have that pile of books in your home that you've been meaning to read sometime, now is your chance. Find something to suit your mood and just waste as much time as you like doing nothing more than reading or playing at a hobby you've let go.

Make some phone calls. Yes the telephone still works for talking and this is a good time for you to make some calls and reconnect with people you have not spoken to for a long time. Let them know you are still alive and are interested in their life.

Learn to cook. Too many people fall into relationships because they don't know how to look after themselves.  This is especially true for men. That's a terrible reason to be in a relationship so make it your business to start cooking for yourself. If the thought of that scares you because you don't know how, then make a list of the things you would like to eat and then you can track down the way to do it. There are many great tutorial videos and websites now to learn just about anything you could imagine, so there is no excuse for being limited in this way.  Good eating is at the heart of your good health and self-nurturing means looking after your body.

Start a physical exercise program. This might be just to start walking, or riding your bicycle or going to the gym. Pick something that you can do easily and without a bunch of equipment to buy or other obstacles that can become excuses for not doing it, and pick an activity that you will be able to continue for the whole year. Make that a priority and dedicate some time each day for this activity, even if it is just 20 minutes a day.

Go for a hike. Take the camera and do a photo-walk of where you go. Be that a hiking trail, or a trip to a city that you see every day but have never looked at with a tourist's eye. Discover new sights in old places. Or visit a new place and photograph the images that makes it unique.

Here's The Sneaky Bit

You don't even have to wait until the holiday season. You can do this any time. Pick a weekend. Pick  two weekends a year  to mark on your calendar and make it your special time for you.


Related Life Coaching Articles 

How to set goals you can reach

What will you achieve in the next four years?

How To Set Goals - And Reach Them

The Dirty Secrets Business Needs To Know About Social Media

Why You Need To Build Your Mailing List And How To Do It

How To Get Your Local Business Found Online

Are you lousy at self promotion too? 



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